Posted by: mylovingheart | March 31, 2013

Change Me!

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After Ed died everything changed.  I mean pretty much everything.  My family and friends were not the same.  We were all trying to figure out how to get on with life without him being here.  I even had some people ask me if I was going to sell the house and my response was “NO”.  I needed something to stay the same.  When you have so many changes thrown at you at once it is hard not to just want to shut down.  That is when I found myself leaning on God more than ever.  Then I realized that as I went through the next few months that I was going to have to change.  That is when I became faced with a number of huge realities in my life.  That I could not stay the same.  Over the last couple of years God has been bringing to the surface all the things that I buried deep inside me.  All of the beliefs, thoughts, and roles that no longer served me.  No matter how much I prayed, I discovered that sometimes God doesn’t change the situation because he is trying to change your heart.  Time and time again, I found myself telling God “I don’t think I can change, but I know that if I focus on you the change will happen.”  Change is not easy.  Especially when you have 54 years of just “stuff” that you have been carrying around.  It was vital that if I was going to have this new chapter in my life, there had to be a changed person in order to go where God wanted me to go.  Believe me, I am truly a work in progress.

As time has gone on, I can now see the woman that is emerging that is happy, joyful, open for love, and is embracing this path and enjoying the journey.  I realized that I now desired to be a changed woman.  That there did not need to be sadness or grief, but a woman who saw all of the possibilities of what was yet to come.  Recently I read this in a book called The Fifth Mountain:  “Sadness does not last forever when we walk in the direction of that which we always desired.  Is it always necessary to leave?  It’s always necessary to know when a stage of one’s life has ended.  If you stubbornly cling to it after the need has passed, you lose the joy and meaning of the rest.  And you risk being shaken to your senses by God.”  I can speak from experience that God was showing me the things I was clinging on to and he kept shaking me to my senses.  That is never a fun experience, but it is absolutely necessary for someone that is as hard headed as I am.

I have learned to celebrate my brokeness, because I know that God loves me enough to be the glue to put me back together and keep me whole.  I have no doubt that God is not through with me yet.  That he has more changes in store for me.  I know that I will still make mistakes and periodically fall back into some of my old mindsets.  That is okay, because I know that each person and experience in my life is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see.  I just have to absolutely trust in his timing and have faith in his promises.  Change has shown me how much I am loved and how to have peace!


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